27 February 2012 Module 7
Module 7 Maintaining Boundaries in Caregiving
I. Burdens and Loads
Galatians 6:2) Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
Galatians 6:5) For each will have to bear his own load.
These two verses are quite close to each other in the sixth chapter of Galatians, but they seem to be contradictory. We are to bear one another’s burdens, but each is to carry his or her own load. Resolving this apparent contradiction will help us better understand our responsibilities: for ourselves and also to our care receivers and others.
The Greek word for burden means something that is exceedingly heavy and troublesome. It is the kind of burden people carry in times of crisis when their troubles seem ready to overwhelm them.
On the other hand, the Greek word translated as load means the cargo or normal daily weight that a person carries. If you look at grade school children crowding into the school in the morning, you’ll see many of them carrying backpacks. All the children are able to manage their own backpacks; they don’t need others to share that weight.
So you can see that the Scriptures call us to share the crushing weight of the burdens that come into others’ lives, but to take responsibility for our own daily load. From your pre-class reading you probably also have some ideas about what happens when people get burdens and loads mixed up.
Sometimes care receivers act as if their burdens are just loads. They struggle under the teribble weight of tragedies and crises and refuse to allow others to share their burdens. Other times care receivers exaggerate the weight of their daily load, refuse to take responsibility for carrying it, and try to find others who will take over their responsibilities
Unfortunately sometimes caregivers go right along with the care receiver’s misinterpretation. Some so-called caregivers are so wrapped up in their own desires or problems that they are unable to reach out to others with real care. They would just as soon allow care receivers to carry crushing loads alone. Other so-called caregivers – Amy in the story at the beginning of your Pre-class reading is an example – seem to want to take over responsibility for other people’s lives.
All these examples of mixing up burdens and loads are the result of boundary problems. Sometimes people turn their boundaries into high, thick walls in order to keep others out. Other times people seem to have no boundaries at all and want to merge their lives and problems with another person’s. God wants us to distinguish between burdens and loads, to take appropriate responsibility for ourselves but also to be able to give and receive care as necessary.
But that isn’t where God’s interests stops. Jesus also offers to share our burdens. Listen to what he says: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30). Jesus wants to share our burdens. The image he uses is a yoke – the frame that linked two oxen together and helped them share their work. We put on the yoke and find that Jesus is right there beside us, pulling with us, sharing the wearying work, helping to carry our burdens.
We all have daily loads – sometimes they are heavier than other times, but God graciously enables us to carry them. There comes times in everyone’s life, however, when they are weighted down with burdens. During those crushing times, Christians embody Christ, who helps bear our burdens. We find ourselves in the yoke, and we see the face of Jesus in the sister or brother who is yoked with us.
II. Boundaries for Stephen Ministers and Care Receivers
As you have been learning about boundaries, you may have been thinking about how these insights will apply to your caregiving. That is where we will turn our attention now.
A. The Stephen Minister’s Boundaries
In order to care effectively for others, Stephen Ministers need to maintain healthy boundaries in their caring relationships. Here are some ways you can maintain appropriate boundaries as a caregiver.
1. Not Trying to Take Over the Care Receiver’s Life
You can maintain boundaries by not trying to take over the care receiver’s life. This may seem pretty obvious, but it does need to be said. At times caring people can try to take over their care receiver’s life, all the while believing they are making life easier and better for the ones needing care. In the first part of your pre-class reading Amy did that to Rhonda.
Some people need to care for others so much that instead of helping a care receiver change, they keep the care receiver in a dependent state. This is because as long as the care receiver’s problems continue, his or her need for a caregiver continues, and this suits these caregiver’s because above all they need to be needed. Such behavior is called enabling. Relating like that is not caring; it is self-centered and destructive.
The classic of such relating carried to an extreme is the spouse of an alcoholic who buys the booze for the addict and makes excuses to the addict’s employer, covering up the problems. There’s a name for this behavior; it’s called codependency. For codependent caregivers, boundaries have gone out the window. They are unable to distinguish between what is their responsibility and what is someone else’s responsibility.
Stephen Ministers must guard against such codependency. One Stephen Minister felt so sorry for her care receiver that she visited four times a week and did the care receiver’s grocery shopping, while neglecting her own family. Another Stephen Minister tried to solve relationship problems that the care receiver wasn’t even willing to work on. When the care receiver wouldn’t cooperate, the Stephen Minister tried to bully him and make him feel guilty. Even though these Stephen Ministers thought they were caring, they were meeting their own needs, not the care receiver’s
Maintaining healthy boundaries will help you take responsibility for your own feelings, needs, and actions, but not for others’ – not even for your care receiver’s. You are responsible to provide process-oriented care, but you are not able to change or cure your care receiver or to make him or her happy.
2. Avoiding Manipulation
Some care receivers may be very needy individuals who have trouble maintaining their own boundaries. They may be manipulative controllers who try to talk their Stephen Minister into taking responsibility for them so they don’t have to take responsibility for themselves
But you cannot be responsible for your care receiver. He or she must be responsible for him- or herself. Your responsibility is to fulfill your Stephen Minister duties and care for your care receiver within reasonable limits. Through the study of assertiveness, you know that you have a perfect right to say no to unreasonable requests
3. Knowing Your Limits
In order to maintain your boundaries you need to know your limits. What if, after you were assigned to your care receiver, you found out that he or she was suicidal, deeply depressed, suffering from severe mental illness, or abusing his or her children? How would you stay within your boundaries as a Stephen Minister?
Maintaining reasonable boundaries includes knowing what kinds of care you are and are not capable of giving, and limiting yourself only to providing the care you are qualified to give. In module 11, “Using Mental Health Professionals and Other Community Resources,” you will learn more about referring care receivers to others when they need more care than you are qualified to give.
At times you may be tempted to go beyond your caring capabilities. This would undoubtedly be out of concern for your care receiver. You may care so much for him or her that you don’t want to admit that you are in over your head. You may believe your care receiver will be angry if you bring up the possibility of his or her working with another care receiver. If you find yourself thinking that way, remember that even though care and concern motivate you, trying to go beyond your capacity to care is a boundary trap. Your clear responsibility is to refer your care receiver to another caregiver when his or her needs surpass your ability to meet them.
B. Respecting Your Care Receiver’s Boundaries
1. How to Know If You Are Trespassing Your Care Receiver’s Boundaries
A crucial part of maintaining boundaries is to respect others’ boundaries. This applies especially to your relationship with your care receiver.
One way to know if you may be trespassing your care receiver’s boundaries is to pay attention to his or her feelings and to your own. If you notice yourself or your care receiver becoming increasingly uncomfortable you may be getting uncomfortably close to a boundary.
For example, if you’re talking with your care receiver about feelings and he or she stops talking, changes the subject, or becomes upset, you are probably trespassing his or her space. Also, if you start feeling distracted, frustrated, or anxious during a discussion, you may want to consider whether you are trespassing your care receiver’s boundaries.
2. Helping Care Receivers Establish and Strengthen Boundaries
Some care receivers may need help establishing and strengthening boundaries. Take another look at the Reference boxes G, H and I on pages 131-133 in your pre-class reading. Look for these signs in your care receiver in order to see whether he or she is having boundary problems.
One important way you will help is by your caring commitment to your care receiver. People need to feel cared for and confident in order to maintain healthy boundaries. Your listening, your prayers, and your unconditional positive regard will help your care receiver build up his or her internal resources to allow him or her to build and maintain healthy boundaries.
Another way you will help is by modeling healthy boundaries. If your care receiver asks you to talk about something you don’t feel comfortable sharing, you can gently and firmly say that you would rather not talk about that and you hope he or she understands. By exercising your boundaries you will show your care receiver that it is okay for him or her to have and exercise his or her boundaries.
You will, of course, respect your care receiver’s boundaries and not try to break through them. Your respect shows that your care receiver is allowed to set boundaries in order to feel safe in your caring relationship. Your care receiver will practice establishing and maintaining boundaries with you, and then he or she will be able to carry that skill into his or her daily life and maintain his or her boundaries with others.
You may gently point out ways in which your care receiver’s boundaries are not healthy and not serving your care receiver well. Focus Note 2 on page 140 contains some examples of how you might do this.
The final example in Focus Note 2, the one about canceling visits, points out another way you might be able to help care receivers’ build strong boundaries. Some care receivers may have difficulty remaining aware of their feelings. They may turn their feelings off at times and then suffer later when those feelings come flooding back. By reflecting feelings, talking about them, and encouraging your care receiver to remain aware of his or her feelings, you can help the individual know when he or she is becoming uncomfortable. Then he or she can use those feelings as a signal that it is time to exercise his or her boundaries.
V. Looking Ahead
Boundaries are a way to feel safe. With healthy boundaries people don’t worry about others taking advantage of them or hurting them. By respecting your care receivers’ boundaries and maintaining your own, you can help create a place where your care receivers will feel safe enough to recognize, accept and express their painful feelings. You will help them make a safe place where they can face the crises that challenge them and find new ways to meet those challenges.
