Module 6 Part 1
I. The Power of speaking the Truth in Love
The Gospel of Mark tells a story of Jesus that goes like this. Right after the transfiguration, Jesus and the disciples come down to find the other disciples engaged in an argument. A man explains that he has brought his son to be rid of his demon, and the disciples were not able to do it. The father of the boy indicates his fear and uncertainty when he says to Jesus, “If you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”
“If you can?” Jesus says. “Everything is possible for him who believes.”
Immediately the boy’s father exclaims, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief.”
Both Jesus and the boy’s father are speaking the truth in love in this story. They are commending by example to us the power of assertive relating. The father could have covered up his blunder of voicing his fear and doubt by backtracking, “Oh, sir, of course I believe you can cure my boy. I just misspoke. I’m sorry,” Caught in the pull of this lie, he might never have received Jesus’ power to tap into his well of faith. But the father’s love for his son delivered him to the truth, the same truth that troubles us: I believe; help my unbelief.
The power of uttering truths like this in caring relationships is without parallel. It is the secret to opening hearts and minds to one another.
The passage from Ephesians at the top of the first page of your outline and focus notes says that by speaking the truth in love – that is, behaving and communicating assertively – we will grow up in Christ. In other words, we will grow closer to Jesus and grow to be more like him. Jesus was the perfect example of assertiveness. He invites us to follow his example and promises to equip us to become more like him in all ways, including relating with other people more assertively.
II. Definition of Assertiveness
There are as many ways to be assertive as there are people on the planet because each person is unique. Assertiveness is not a cookie-cutter approach to relating. Instead, it calls for the highest creativity you can find within yourself. It calls on you to be you – genuine, thoughtful and full of care.
A. Assertiveness is positive and Constructive
First of all, assertiveness is positive and constructive. It builds people up rather than tearing down. The respect and care inherent in this way of relating will build up both people who relate assertively and those to whom they relate assertively. They will see themselves and others as valuable people, loved by God and worthy of respect.
B. Assertiveness is a Way of Relating
Assertiveness has to do with relating – to other people and to yourself. It has to do with the way you communicate, the way you treat others and yourself, and what you expect of others and of yourself. Assertiveness encompasses many different aspects of relating. It may involve standing up for your own rights or for others’ rights. It can encompass making requests of others and responding to requests people make of you. Assertive behavior may include genuinely expressing your feeling of love or affection and receiving such expressions from others. It can be assertive to say yes, and also to say no.
C. Assertiveness Respects Others’ Needs, Wants, and Rights
Jesus thinks every person was worth dying for – That’s how valuable he considers each of us. When you relate assertively, you treat others as people of worth, just as God does. Other people have feelings, ideas, opinions, and rights worthy of your respect. When you believe this, you treat people assertively without resorting to threats, violence, manipulation, hostility, or other passive or aggressive means of getting your way.
D. Assertiveness Respects Your Own Needs, Wants, and Rights
Assertiveness respects your own rights and needs just as much as those of others. Jesus said to love others as you love yourself, and assertiveness values both love for others as well as love for self. God created you as a valuable and beloved child, just as he did others. Believing this, you will not resort to threats, violence, and manipulation when you relate to others, neither will you allow yourself to be threatened, abused, or manipulated.
There are three ways of relating that are directly opposed to assertiveness: aggressiveness, passivity, and passive-aggressiveness. Consider each of these nonassertive ways of relating.
E. Assertiveness Is Not Aggressive
Aggressive behavior does not respect the rights and needs of others. Examples of aggressiveness behavior abound. It can range from cutting in front of someone in line to cutting off someone on the highway. Some ways of acting aggressive as a Stephen Minister include
Revealing confidential information in order to damage the care receiver’s reputation;
Demanding that a care receiver change his or her behavior;
Threatening to withdraw support if the care receiver doesn’t change;
Insulting the care receiver in order to try to force him or her to change; and
Belittling people for past mistakes.
Certainly no Stephen Minister is likely to act that way toward his or her care receiver, but it is important to identify those behaviors as aggressive so you can recognize them and commit yourselves to avoiding them.
F. Assertiveness Is Not Passive
Passive behavior is no better than aggressive behavior, it’s just different. Perhaps you have seen examples of passive behavior in your family, work, or neighborhood. You may have seen passive behavior in a person who regularly apologized for thing that were not his or her fault or in a person who never took charge of his or her life, but let others run it. Some ways of acting passively as a Stephen Minister include
allowing the care receiver to bully him or her into providing services that are not part of Stephen Ministry:
Putting up with manipulative behaviors, such as unnecessary middle-of-the-night phone calls;
Giving in and meeting extra times with a care receiver who threatens to end the caring relationship: or
Never challenging a care receiver to change self-destructive behaviors.
Again, this is not the way any Stephen Minister is likely to act toward his or her care receiver. By identifying those behaviors as passive and undesirable, however, you can be on the lookout for similar behaviors in yourselves and in your fellow Stephen Ministers.
G. Assertiveness Is Not Passive-Aggressive
There is a third kind of nonassertive behavior that is even more difficult to deal with than aggressive or passive behavior. It is called passive-aggressive behavior, and it combines the worst of both.
Passive-aggressive people try to get their own way and bully others without being held accountable for it. For example, they may call in sick instead of working on a project to which they didn’t want to be assigned; or they may tell lies about you to others while pretending to be your friend. Some ways of acting passive-aggressively as a Stephen Minister include:
Agreeing to attend Small Group Peer Supervision sessions, but always showing up late and unprepared;
Spreading lies and gossip about Stephen Leaders or Stephen Ministers throughout the congregation while continuing to serve as a Stephen Minister;
Deliberately going so far overboard in insisting on the letter of the law in supervision that the spirit and benefit of supervision are lost; or
Agreeing to meet with care receiver but never following through and never telling the Stephen Leader
God willing, we will never have people in the Stephen Ministry behaving like this toward one another. We can all help prevent such behavior by recognizing it, assertively pointing it out, and clearly saying that we will not allow others to treat us that way.
III. Assertive, Passive, and Aggressive Bible Stories
A. A New Term with Ancient Meaning
Even though the term assertiveness is a relatively new one, assertive, passive he time when God told Moses to go back to Egypt as his representative and Moses passively claimed the he could not accept that job because he was no good at public speaking. Perhaps you also remember the story of Joseph, whose jealous brothers aggressively sold him into slavery because they were angry at him for being their father’s favorite.
The Scriptures are full of examples of passive and aggressive behavior, and occasionally you even find Bible characters who relate assertively. Recall Ruth saying “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried” (Ruth 1:16-17a). There was also a time when King Saul was hunting David to kill him. David sneaked up behind Saul and had a chance to kill him, but chose not to because God had made Saul the king, and David believed he should honor the king God had chosen (1 Samuel 24)
Jesus came into this world as the perfect example of how God wants people to live, and Jesus was consistently assertive. Even when he was a twelve-year-old child and had remained at the temple after his parents has started their journey back home, re responded to his worried parents by assertively stating that he had to be doing his Father’s business. Remember when jewish officals confronted Jesus with a woman they caught in the act of adultery. Jesus steered the perfectly assertive course, avoiding the passive and aggressive rocks on either side, by saying, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her” (John 8:7). Even when Jesus acted in aggressive or passive ways, he assertively chose to do so in order to carry out that mission God had given him.
Jesus came to bring us forgiveness and new life. The new life he freely gives us is courageously assertive. There is no nedd for us to dominate or control others, because we know that God is in charge and that he has graciously promised to provide everything we need. There is no need for us passively to hide in fear of others. We know that Jesus has defeated sin, death, and the devil and that he shares his victory with us. This doesn’t mean that we are – or can be – perfectly assertive. We are still on a journey towards the perfection that will be ours only in eternity. It does mean that God has given us the gifts we need to work on relating assertively and that the Spirit will help us grow more and more like Jesus.
VII. Looking Ahead
I hope this session has shown that assertiveness is not only benefical, but, also possible for you. We have another class session to devote to this important topic. We will delve more deeply into being assertive in specific situations like making and receiving requests, expressing and receiving expressions of anger, and expressing and receiving compliments.
You have a reading assignment to complete before the next session, which is the rest of Speaking the truth in Love, Chapters 13- 18. In addition to that reading assignment, I would like to give you an assertiveness assignment. The assertiveness assignment is written in Focus Note 17 on page 113.
